The recent discussions related to attachment have me considering how it might be coming into play. I think its just time to test the waters, and I am realizing I am going to loose T in the coming months. I am internally resisting and grieving her like crazy and it hasn’t even ended yet. I told her last session that in my assessment of my current “friend base,” that I don’t have all the needed structure to stay afloat, I fear. But I’m not sure exactly what it is I need, as T’s shoes will be hard to fill! Outside relationships are nothing like the unconditional regard of therapy. So, I have been thinking a lot about; How to find the appropriate friend or friends?

Not too long ago, as some of you are aware, I started having major erotic transference issues again. To be fair, I have always had elements of that processing in the background, but caring for my mother recently, sent me reeling. In therapy, it seemed to be a dance around the subject, which was entirely my fault because I was not entirely truthful. It’s creepy admitting it along with the potential to open up a discussion about it! I did a lot of research and decided to take the leap of faith and just lay it all out there. T was surprised and complimented me on the thoroughness of my research. She offered up additional reading and said she really misread my initial cue around the subject.

I’m afraid there is more to do around this subject. After reading a good bit of Gender, Countertransference and the Erotic Transference, I related heavily to a lot of the case study examples in Schaverien’s book. Although I am not in formal psychoanalysis, I think there is quite a bit of cross over. So far from what I read, it seems that most of the ruminating thoughts or fantasy seems to resolve when a morning or grieving process occurs. What is weird is I am having no problem grieving the loss of T which hasn’t even happened yet, but I am void and vacant processing the loss of my own mothers love and nurturing. So what does one do with that, to make room for the healthy cycle of love and loss? I really want to stop all the erotic crud that surfaces with every intimate relationship!

More grist for the mill and more digging and reading…but I would be interested in any input others may have and how they processed through it…

I have my ticket to fantasy,
My show is about to begin.
I’ve stepped right up, left myself behind,
A new hour, and new venue to behold.

The lies and hate; I was too young to discriminate.
Cries for compassion and depth, how could parents be so inept?
Where to turn, a safe place, the mental playgrounds I would create.
Are we through? Just beginning…my God my heads spinning!

Welcome to my world…is it grand illusion?
The next show is about to begin…

The strapping belt through pant loops…pain…
And cow bells sound a new days dawn…anger…
I’ll do better, more, I promise…hurt…

The darkness looms…a bright light…haunting…

What is wrong with me that I cannot feel…empty…
Nights roll into days roll into nights…alone…
A life of love, commitment and meaning…gone…

I feel pain, anger, hurt, empty, alone and gone…
The darkness looms…a bright light…haunting…

The Guest-House

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

—Rumi

Like some of us, I became intrigued with psychology. I started reading a lot of books. What I found was, that most were psychoanalysis psychotherapy books, with all the laden terminology and processes. The more I read the more I saw of formal analysis type therapy. In my search for a therapist, I did not want a rigid therapist. I then realized there are many types of psychotherapy. So before the dissection of specialty therapist can occur, one must decide the type of therapy you want from your therapist. I think this is a key part of the process!

So I am wondering, how many people know the differences and the questions to ask? Are most just trying to get a personality fit and see how it goes? Analytical style is important… kind of like personality, since the therapist exhibits so little of themselves in session. What are your thoughts?

Are you characteristically controlling?
It’s difficult for you to trust people.
You make lists for everything in your life.
As much as possible, you need to do everything yourself.
You rarely think that you are wrong.
You get bored when you have to listen to other people.
You don’t like other people touching your stuff.
You’re your own worst critic.
It’s hard to get used to a new hair style.
You tend to interrupt people a lot.

Guess we all have a little Control Freak in us…but when does it interfere with our relationships? Well…when you have to be in control of the people around you and when you literally can’t rest until you get your way, then its time to re-evaluate.

For a controlling person, anxiety is their management tool. Being in control is self calming.  If they cannot control, they become angry and agitated, then panicky and apprehensive, then agitated and threatening, and eventually lapsing into depression and despair.  I believe this is most true of rather extreme controllers.

There are generally two types of controllers. The first type needs control. They are self absorbed and generally unaware of you or your feelings. The second type of controller needs to control you. They will put you down and persist till they feel better. You will walk away feeling manipulated or maybe violated.

Wow…I never wanted any of my loved ones to feel unwanted, manipulated or violated!  If that’s not a motivation for change!

I think it’s important to mention that there are many degrees of control and that it is normal to want control of your own life.  Having had past abuse issues like many of us blogging here, I struggle with the balance of control. I chose excerpts from articles and books.  Points which help me slow down and stay in the moment with a higher level of consciousness.  It’s all about self esteem, insecurity and vulnerability.  Hopefully therapy helps identify those triggers, so you can begin to change your thoughts and feel better about yourself.  Sounds easy ay?…but like everything else, its hard work to exorcise inner demons.  So I’m on my quest for more self esteem!

I was out with friends this past weekend.  I was trying to explain the root of my control. I was failing miserably and they could not understand what I was saying…maybe writing this blog will help clarify some muddiness.  My friends said “You are so self confident carry yourself well and appear much put together.” (Reeking of control perhaps!) …But self confidence is ones belief in ability.  Self esteem, on the other hand, is the appraisal of self worth and encompasses beliefs and emotions.  Each very different!

So here are some things I remind myself of from time to time, in an effort to “get better:”
• There is no growth without risk and facing up to fear.
• Respond-Don’t React. When you react, others are in control.
• First strive to understand, then to be understood.
• Support first, suggest later…and only if requested.
• Guilt messages are given to manipulate and control. It is really anger in disguise.
• The only way to get the things you really want is to give them away.
• The good feeling from the power of identification, does not effect a lasting change. It takes much more than that. (A good therapist…I think!)

A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person

An intense emotional attachment

Desire

To wish or long for; want

The object of longing

A Guide to Psychology and its Practice stated:

…having understood the profound difference between desire and love, and having worked through the unconscious illusions (i.e., psychological defenses) behind your intense desire for one person, you can proceed to offer genuine love to everyone.

Just as any child who receives gifts from others must first go through a phase of development characterized by a “hoarding” or “clinging” mentality—Mine! Mine!—before learning to share with others, so you, in feeling the enthralling acceptance of your psychotherapist, will at first want to hoard that feeling and claim it as your own personal possession. But that feeling can’t stop there, and your psychotherapist’s job is to make sure it doesn’t stop there…Once all the manipulation, game-playing, and dishonesty that characterize your interpersonal relationships are dissolved through the integrity and honesty of the therapeutic relationship, then you can enter into an honest life of true love for others.

Boy it sounds so simple! Too bad the emotion of the transference drives us to desperation and away from logical thought. The mind (at least my mind) became overwhelmed with this driving, compelling feeling of goodness. The more I tried to resist, the more intense the positive became. What was wrong with me…I could logically see the situation. Why couldn’t that reasoning suffice? My T isn’t in love with me…I really don’t even know her?

So, they say its unconscious illusion which is at the root. We can’t know our unconscious desires unless they are played out in a forum. One in which there is an imbalance of power – the therapeutic relationship. Why? Because our intuitive, subconscious is in overdrive to take in and process everything the therapists says in an effort to try to figure them out! By establishing trust first and then opening up with our deepest and darkest, our unconscious begins to fulfill a need. We flood! We never experienced it before? Because we were never that open before, that vulnerable. We never allowed ourselves to really expose all those things we think are wrong with us. So we begin to see all those wants and needs in our therapist.

Ok…still sounds great…I still can’t stop thinking about her…I wound up dealing with my erotic transference without counseling. It took me two years to get past it and I questioned everything from my sexual orientation to whether my life was worth living without this unconditional love. I went through a lot of unnecessary craziness because I did not have counseling. Make sure you stay committed to following through. You really will know yourself on a deeper level. And…guess what…30 years later this positive transference thing…it’s happening again with my therapist (thank God not erotic). Because of my personal situation right now, I completely understand my positive transference, am enjoying it, and focusing on the real changes I need to make, so I am ok with me! Remember, transference is really an interpretation and an illusion that is generated inside the brain as the brain tries to organize the world.

If you’re out there, feeling desperate, know that it is a process. It’s not fun, it is embarrassing, its gut wrenching, but worth it. Be honest and committed, allow yourself to feel and lean on your friends!

I also think this is a good link on Transference. Worth checking out…..it gives a healthy perspective I think!

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8253

This is how I see the same puzzle from my therapist’s perspective (and I am NOT a therapist). I am holding all of the pieces from many puzzles presented to me. I do my best to initially separate the pieces that clearly do not apply to your puzzle, based on the shape, color, thickness and so on. My role is clear. I am not here to tell you how to solve the puzzle or distract you from the utility of your task by bringing in some of my puzzles. I am to provide pieces of the puzzle to you and support you emotionally. I try furiously to provide the right pieces at the right time based on my experience, your tenacity, and the timeline we are permitted to work. Some puzzles are easy, others are difficult, some are fun and some reek havoc and take a lot of emotional energy. I can and do make mistakes. Communication is critical. Ask me questions and weigh my responses. The more I know the more I can help. I treat everyone ethically and sometimes use my discretion to allow snippets of my personal life experience to give you tools to apply to your puzzle. For some clients this is a mistake because it adds to the confusion and the focus of solving the puzzle. For others it is the clarity needed to see the pieces in their true forms. This is something I internally struggle with because it is subjective, based on intuition, different for every individual and goes against the grain of traditional puzzle solving. The time between puzzle solving is important for me to process, maintain focus, solve my own puzzles (yes I do have them) and be “me” with family and friends. This enables me to maintain perspective to better help you solve your puzzle. My ultimate goal is to help you walk away satisfied. My hope – the journey, which may or may not include solving one or many puzzles, will bring an inner peace and knowledge of how to approach and deal with all the other puzzles you will encounter. I am human and some of you will leave a bigger footprint in my heart than others, and that you may never know. But if we did this right, we will grieve a loss; gain an inner strength, become more spiritual, and forge ahead to solve many more puzzles!